Hello from the other side

*takes a deep deep breath*

So.

Just assume some really bad shit happened and that's why I wasn't riding my bike. Diagnosed with more blooming acronyms than an NHS white paper. 'Rare' diseases and rubbish prognoses and more stuff coming to the surface as family get diagnosed with even more stuff. And no cures for any of it. So yes, in a way, I've been riding my very own endless enduro race of pain and suffering for the last two years.

So. Pop that in a box. Put it there mentally and physically. Got a box, wrote it all down, and put it in there. Wrapped it with a ribbon and put it in my bedside cabinet. Because I'm done.

Except I actually can't be done with it because.

So I need to get back on my bike. Need. Hate the word. Hate needing anything or anyone. Not a fan of it. Despise it currently for yet other reasons I wont go into. Yeah life got super messy. But never mind, because I can choose to deal with it any way I want to and I choose this. Exercise, wellbeing, channeling anger and disappointment and hurt and turning some negative into positive. Hell, emotion can fuel amazing things, if you just let it. So I decided to let it. Let myself feel it all and then find something to leech it all away again, hopefully leaving behind a freshly hatched butterfly instead of a super messy cocoon.

Riding a bike is it. Don't get me wrong, I love my motorbike. I love the feeling of response from the engine to the throttle. I love swinging around corners with my knees out - yeah, riding a motorbike is just the same as riding a pedal bike, it turns out. Except 70mph feels super fast, not 40mph. I love going over Winter Hill. I hate coming back down it. Yeah, there's a theme here. I love discovering gorgeous new lanes and pottering along at 30mph with no one behind me. I love finding lanes with grass down the middle which eventually turn into mud tracks and fighting for traction, feeling with the brakes, smiling at the hares, totally lost, it's twilight, there's a youth hostel somewhere around here...

I've been on some adventures on my motorbike already and plan some more. Upgrading from 125cc to 750cc and off bikepacking to the Pyrenees. But it's missing something.

Slow. Down.

It's also too easy. I don't like easy. Yes that makes me...contrary. Let's go with contrary. The harder something is, the more I want to do it. And this is going to be akin to walking a tightrope. I somehow have to make sure that my heart rate neither goes below a certain point or above a certain point because I'll pass out if it does. Changes in height are a major trigger so knowing I'm probably going to pass out when I get off the bike and flump on the ground at least means - well I'm already on the ground. So that's okay. I have to keep my bpm consistent, so alert setting on my Garmin can happen and will happen. If I go under I'll pass out, so I need to work out what that number is and set an alarm for 5-10 above it. Similar at the top end. Preferably before my eyes and hands stop working because no blood is getting to them in adequate quantities.

I also need to add salt to my water bottles no matter what else is in there and I'm going to need a lot of water. And I'm going to have to seriously remember to blooming drink the stuff - something which used to be a major issue but I've got much much better at remembering to drink off the bike so I'm just going to have to trust I will on the bike too. Because otherwise my muscles wont work. Literally. If you think you know what cramps are...you don't. You really really don't.

And I need to never fall off. Or accept I will fall off and strap absolutely every joint I've ever dislocated. Now...I know strapping is bad, before anyone says anything but it's preferable to actually dislocating in the middle of nowhere. So, that's all my fingers, one elbow, two knees, two ankles and two big toes. Additionally, I need to find someone who'll be my...'guardian' I guess.

Basically, I need a volunteer to keep an eye on my gps dot and keep an ear out for an alert if I can set one up if I stop for more than a certain amount of time. Cos I am unlikely to suddenly become a more sociable rider. I mean I can tolerate riding with a couple of people but groups are out. Which I suppose is the answer - finding 1 or 2 people who know all this stuff, understand and know when absolutely not to call an ambulance because I will hunt them down and hurt them for it afterwards.

Not a fan of A & E.

I think that covers everything. Solution focused. Sounds a lot, I spose. If you don't ride bikes. If you do ride bikes you'll know why. I don't need to explain why to you. I can't bear to be away from my bike any more and it's as simple as that. I can't keep pretending it's fine and I don't mind. It's not fine and I do mind.

For those who don't ride bikes...

It's my...hot bath with hot chocolate, a book, and a sneaky Baileys. It's my spa day. It's my solitude, my solace, my zen, my meditation, my challenge, my rhythm, my reason. It's the one thing I do which I control. No one else chooses. I choose. I choose when to get in the saddle and when not to. I can keep going for as little time or as long as I want to. I can decide whether today is the day I push myself until the tears come and I'm falling off the bike, not stepping off, or whether I just want a meditative meander along a canal towpath. I can choose to crucify myself and get rid of every ounce of aggression and anger, or I can find my inner something, and disappear into it, forgetting where I am and what I'm doing and where I'm going and just...existing..

It has parallels actually to something else which I wont go into. But it's missing. It's one of the reasons I am massively off balance at the moment. I need it back. It's going to hurt like hell. It's going to be a military operation and I am probably mad to even consider it but I don't care. I figure it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission from my Rheumatologist and Physio. They did say riding bikes was ace but I think they meant road bikes. Which is also on my list but if you think I'm wearing lycra looking like this...nope. No no no. That's for later.

So. If you see a big (but smaller) girl pottering along on a Surly Cross in East Lancs, smile. Say hi. Don't say owt else - I'm kinda shy and I'll probably be lost in some daydream or other. But smile. I'll be grinning like a loon right back :O)