It comes to us all, I think. So I've been told and so I believe. The moment when you finally appreciate what it is you're actually doing. The moment when reality knocks you fist first, where you suddenly realise that all that's between you and A & E is your own skill and concentration. Then the doubts set in, you start throttling back, you start hesitating, you watch your friends disappear into the distance troubled by no such qualms and suddenly you're on your own with your doubts and fears.
So what have I learned?
Not talking about being afraid of something is worse than being afraid of something. It is not irrational to be afraid of flinging yourself down the side of a hill at speeds sometimes exceeding 15mph. It's not irrational to find cornering on slippery planks of wood in the rain a little daunting. It's certainly not ridiculous to have a moment of self doubt when you're hanging so far off the back of the bike the saddle starts to become an issue. None of these are normal states of affairs, none of these are things that the general populace would ever consider doing.
Which is not to encourage elitism, because that is not the point. I am no better than anyone else because I happen to have found a form of exercise, after many years of trying, which I enjoy. No, it's more a case of not disappearing into the rationale of the mountain biking world which assumes all these things are situation normal, where the default is speed and attacking everything that comes at you. Little is said in the mountain biking press of how to deal with a bad day. Loss of mojo is rarely acknowledged. Perhaps it reflects that this is a blog written by a girl that it is even mentioned here.
I am honest about many things. I don't see the point in not being. I write this blog to share things and sharing things means sharing the negative as well as the positive. We don't always live in a shiny world where everything clicks, everything comes naturally and we are all freeriding backflipping superstars. Lord knows I'd love to be, but I don't think, somehow I ever will be. That's okay. I don't have to be comfy with my wheels off the ground to go ride some of the most beautiful countryside in the world. I don't have to backflip my way down the side of any hills if I don't want to. I don't have to be the first to the bottom on every ride I go on. I don't have to always be fearless.
Ultimately, the crux of the issue, the horrible fear, is that I don't ever want anyone to look at me and think 'she's doing well for a girl'. I so desperately want mountain biking to be the one place in the world where that doesn't matter. I don't think it does matter, on reflection, to anyone but me. I think the only person thinking 'heh I cleared that without dabbing, not bad for a girl' is me. So I guess this is me kicking my own behind into touch. No more thinking about gender. It's irrelevant. No more trying to prove something because everyone is judging the fat girl. They're not. No one else matters except me. When I'm out mountain biking I am allowed to be selfish, I am allowed to think only of myself, I am allowed to go at my own pace both up and down hill. I am allowed to stop and pant, I am allowed to stop and look at the view. I am allowed to combine the two if I damn well want to. I am allowed to fall off and yelp a bit, I am allowed to go a bit squicky if there's lots of blood. I am allowed to go all maternal when I trip over someone in pain and hurting, I am allowed to enthuse at people randomly. None of these things are illegal, none of these things hurt anyone else. All of these things are things everyone else does too, I am just so busy feeling self conscious that I just don't see it.
You might have noticed that this post is very much all about me. Selfish. But in being so afraid of failing, I was. I think I can stop that now, get back on my bike and just go and ride with no expectations of myself or anyone else. Back to simplicity. Push the pedals, chill the hell out, be friendly and just stop stressing.
As a novice rider I found when I got the "fear" of whatever it happened to be at the time: drops, slippy rocks, going downhill in general the knock to my confidence and effect on my overall riding was huge. It's seems to be less so now, I tend to have a base level of ability that stays around and I can keep the rest of my riding ticking along so don't get as downhearted and frustrated as I used to.
ReplyDeleteIt will get better simply with time on the bike but I do know exactly where your coming from and I sympathise. My current, actually recurring, fear is going over the bars as I seem to do it on a regular basis, landed on my front teeth last time....