Mental self

In discussions with someone a few weeks ago, who asked me to sell biking to them, I realised that things like stress relief and a sense of empowerment are not high on the list of others priorities, because they are not me, and do not have the background which I have.

Today I had a little bit of an epiphany. I am not the woman who tentatively climbed on a bike 2.5 years ago at Center Parcs. I am not even the woman I was at Christmas this year. For a start, I am finally comfortable with calling myself a woman, though I still prefer the term girl because I am not married and am not a mother and for some stupid reason those two things are closely tied. But somewhere along the way, I have grown up.

I have always been a little bit shy. Well, actually, scrap that, lets be honest here, I have been a really quite a lot shy for a very long time. I have also, mostly, been timid, never voiced opinions because I never had them because I always hovered in the middle, never spoken up when I knew absolutely something was wrong or someone had come to the wrong conclusion, and certainly never sung my own praises. I was a girl born to a man who made no secret of his wish for a boy, but I also was a girl who was rigorously and repeatedly told children should be seen and not heard.

I think I forgot somewhere that children grow up. I forgot that we are not eternally children and that at some point, some indefinable point, it is okay as a woman, as a person, as an intelligent person, to be seen and be heard. I have spent my life thus far carefully crafting the art of keeping below the parapet. I believe, quite honestly, I did a damn fine job.

What a thing to be proud of. The ability to be invisible.

So here's the thing. I ride my bike for many reasons and fitness and losing weight is perhaps the obvious one when you see me out on a trail. But you will also see a really bloody big grin. So the bit at the top of the hill when I'm panting and recovering might be a bad time, but mostly that grin is there. It comes from a lot of things. Some of these things are specific to being female, I think, though I might be wrong and if I am, please do tell me, it's important this I think if I ever come to be sitting in front of a group of teenage girls explaining how mountain biking changed my sense of self so dramatically.

Girls don't get muddy. They wear dresses and play with Barbies. This wasn't my experience but only because I had a mother who hill walked for many years and understood. For others, this is their experience. Girls don't do mechanics. Don't fettle. Don't go fast. Don't do Maths, don't do Science, don't geek......endless don'ts. If you are unfortunate, for example, to have parents who only ever focus on what it is not possible to do, it can be very difficult to understand the space where the thing is that you are allowed to do.

I'm 33. It's taken this long to find something which gives me something that you can't buy off a shelf in a neat little package of bows and pink ribbon. It's called empowerment. It's called believing in yourself. It's called self confidence, self esteem, self belief and self knowledge. Riding my bike has ramped up all those things to a level where finally I do have an opinion. because I am confident in having one. I do speak up and challenge others preconceptions and sometimes misconceptions. I sit and discuss and listen and query still, but I also form a result of all that input and am not afraid to write down the outcome, not afraid to commit myself to something any more. How on earth could you ever be afraid of something as simple as having an opinion when you're riding your bike down 1.5 feet drop offs? Perspective is a beautiful thing, and biking has given it back to me. How on earth could you ever be afraid of public speaking when you've zoomed along a track covered in roots dodging off in all directions? How can you be worried about whether you've worn the right shoes, when you've fought your way through a rainstorm and a headwind and arrived back at the car park safe and sound through nothing but sheer determination to maintain body heat?

Riding my bike has given me a reasonably safe space to play. I can push boundaries, bit by little bit and explore the edges of my fitness and skill level and with a bit of care and some nouse, never come a cropper. I can make decisions faster than I ever thought possible. I can fly, sometimes. It's just not possible to remain timid and shy and unsure of yourself after doing all those things, it really isn't.

So I think this is the point. The point where I am no longer allowed to refer to myself as shy, or timid, or lacking in self belief or confidence or knowledge. I know myself. I know who I am. I know this more surely than I have ever done and whilst things will continue to improve, I think this is the point where I draw a line under all the things I have been told  I couldn't be, but I now am.

I am becoming everything I always wanted to be but never thought I could. And biking? Biking gave me wings, and now it's time to fly. Time, perhaps, to pass it on, however that may transpire. Time to share the magic with other people, time to explain, time to be honest, time to open up a little.Time to just be me. The parapet has been firebombed, frankly, and I don't think there's any going back now.